Conversations With The Funk Master #003

I talk quite candidly with my other half. Don’t we all? Anyway, we often have conversations about what I’m doing, how I’m getting on and how they make me feel.

This series of posts will share some of those conversations with you, 1) because they’re funny and 2) because, in years to come, I want to remember how awesome and supportive he has been.

Let’s go:

Scene: He’s getting ready to head up, wrapped up for the cold weather. I’ve just come out the shower and I’m parading in a towel.

Me: Does my breath smell?

TFM: Wooooah!

*TFM ducks well out of reach*

TFM: Does it what?

Me: Does my breath smell? Come back, you need to be close to smell it. Come on, come here. *breathes hard* Well? Does it?

TFM: Um, not overly. Not, like, minty or anything. Why?

Me: One of the questions on that Facebook group I’m part of asks ‘when you’re losing weight, where does all the fat go?’ A lot of the answers say ‘you breathe it out’ but then your breath should smell. I want to know if my breath smells.

TFM: Um . . . that sounds like . . . it’s not true.

Me: I dunno. Maybe it’s not, but it’s a good question. Where does the fat go? I’m going to Google it.

TFM: Right. Okay, well you know what I think?

Me: What?

TFM: Don’t worry about it.

Me: No?

TFM: Your breath doesn’t smell and you’re doing just fine.

Me: I guess so. K . . . okay, see you later.

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Conversations With The Funk Master #002

I talk quite candidly with my other half. Don’t we all? Anyway, we often have conversations about what I’m doing, how I’m getting on and how they make me feel.

This series of posts will share some of those conversations with you, 1) because they’re funny and 2) because, in years to come, I want to remember how awesome and supportive he has been.

Let’s go:

Scene: We’re getting ready for bed, he’s already tucked up and comfortable, I’m wriggling about trying to get comfortable.

Me: . . . does my face look skinny?

TFM: *thoughtful* Yes, I suppose so. You lost a lot of weight in your face last time.

Me: Weird. It makes my head all tiny.

*I finally manage to get comfy. Ish.*

Me: Ugh. This is weird. I’m all soft.

TFM: What?

Me: My boob. Look at that. It’s all soft and floppy.

*demonstrates*

Me: In fact I could—wait—look, I can. I can get it in my mouth. Both of them, look!

TFM: Okay . . .

Me: Great. So you’re going to end up with a tall and slim girlfriend, that’s great, but she’ll have saggy boobs.

TFM: *laughing* Okay.

Me: But I don’t want saggy boobs. I need to hurry up with the ‘rich and famous thing’ so I can get a tuck and a boooooooooobie lift. What do you think?

TFM: You don’t need it.

Me: No?

TFM: No. You’re still beautiful whatever you weigh.

Me: . . . okay. G’night!

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Conversations With The Funk Master #001

I talk quite candidly with my other half. Don’t we all? Anyway, we often have conversations about what I’m doing, how I’m getting on and how they make me feel.

This series of posts will share some of those conversations with you, 1) because they’re funny and 2) because, in years to come, I want to remember how awesome and supportive he has been.

Let’s go:

Scene: We’re getting ready for bed, he’s already tucked up and comfortable, I’m wriggling about trying to get comfortable.

Me: What . . . fuck! A lump, I found a lump.

TFM: Huh—

Me: A lump, come here, feel it. Feel it!

*TFM shuffles across the bed to investigate.*

TFM: There’s nothing there—

Me: No, here. Here, feel it?

*directing his hand to the appropriate spot*

TFM: . . . that’s your hip bone.

Me: What?

TFM: Your hip bone. Here, look, I have the same thing.

*directs my hand to the same place on his body*

Me: Oh. I’ve never felt that before.

TFM: *laughing* You’d better get used to that since you’re going to be tall and slim.

Me: The fuck . . . bone? How the hell do skinny people cope?

TFM: Dunno. Think you can tell me soon?

Me: *grumble grumble grumble*