I watched Batman vs Superman yesterday, that may be something to do with the title of this post. But more to do with this post is what I’ve learned over the past few weeks.
You may have noticed that my posts to this blog have become sporadic. Those of you who know me personally may also have noticed that I myself have been sporadic with my usual Facebook interactions, letters, texts and phone calls. In general, contact with the outside world. Even my working blog has taken a hit with far less structured and organised posts. All this is part of the ongoing battle I’m having with my moods and my ability to control/manage them.
I’m not doing very well.
I don’t say that to downplay what I have managed to do over the last month or so. Rather, I want to highlight for myself that I’m becoming more self-aware; noticing how I react to certain situations, what my triggers are and where I ‘fall down’ when it comes to weight management. Because it’s all linked.
It isn’t mental health vs physical health at all, it’s mental health AND physical health. One feeds into the other and an issue with one will, in my case, always highlight problems with the other.
Back in January I stopped running because of my ankle (my first physio appointment is this week, by the way). Because I could no longer ride my bike I also stopped going to the gym. I can confidently say that the middle of January marked the start of a downward trend in my mood, ability to think forward positively and the first wobbles in my (to that point) steady and consistent weight loss. Feelings of helplessness and impotence are not things I handle very well and I see now that losing my ability to exercise in a manner I enjoyed (or at all) had a terrible affect on everything. Now, though I can walk freely, I still can’t run and my six month membership at the council gym, curtsey of the NHS, is over. I can’t get an extension or a renewal as the waiting list is miles long. I feel like I’m stuck in limbo.
I have plans to return to a gym. Plans to return to running after I’ve spoken to whoever is in charge of my physio. Plans to get a firmer grip on my eating habits and learn to control my less than healthy urges. I also have plans to talk more about what’s going on in my head, both in this blog, in my homelife and with a mental health professional.
I can no longer deny I’ve been neglecting my health by refusing to acknowledge that I am to a degree, depressed and anxious about tonnes of different things. I hope, going forward, that by focusing on both mental and physical healthy I’ll see progress towards the person I want to be, inside and out.