Something has happened to me. Not sure when or how, but I recognise that something has changed, a great deal between now and the middle of my ‘black phase.’ I’m unsure of what else to call those few weeks of misery and low moral, but I’ll stick with ‘black phase’ until I find something better.
Anyway, back then, I was snarfing chocolate, wine gums and the other things I considered ‘treats’ as they were the only things that made me feel better. Problem is, they only made me feel better while I was eating them. After that, knowing I’d over indulged made me feel worse and sent me further into the terrible cycle of guilt > eating for comfort > guilt > eating for comfort.
I know and I can tell you from experience that is a horrible cycle to fall into and it feels impossible to climb out.
Seeing Deepa for my last Get Healthy meeting made a big difference in that regard and helped me get back on track with small things, like the 10,000 steps (see to be doing pretty well there) and a more realistic expectation of myself. And it seems, just through doing that, my desire to snack on ‘treats’ has dropped dramatically.
Just the other day I had a choice between a grab back of salt and vinegar crisps, a 120g bag of popcorn and a 275g tub of fresh mango. I picked the mango (!). Now . . . I finished the lot (which was too much, really) but what fascinates me most about that night was the fact that I didn’t want the crisps or the popcorn. They are my sweet and savoury snacks of choice, but I didn’t want them. Hell, that packet of popcorn had been hidden away in my desk drawer for about three weeks. It’s still there.
Seems that taking control of other things around me has made it easier to make
sensible healthier decisions with regards to food.
This is something I want to explore in coming weeks—I want to know if this change translates to the scales and if it continues—but I just wanted to put it out there so you know: it is possible to pull yourself out of the black hole of guilt > eating > guilt and it is possible to feel good again.
All things considered, even though I still can’t run (though I do have a physio appoint at the hospital in a couple of weeks – at last!), I feel lighter and brighter now than I did through the whole of February. That’s something to cling to and, hopefully, use to pull me out of the next pit I fall into when something knocks me off course.