No measuring stats today. I know I’m not going to make it into town to get them and I know that the figures aren’t going to be what I hope.
However, this is as good a time as any to talk about my last Get Healthy meeting with Deepa yesterday.
At the penultimate meeting I expected this to be a cheerful chatter over what my future steps would be, a final questionnaire about how things have changed versus when I started the programme and a positive figure on the scales. What I didn’t expect was the decimation of an entire packet of tissues, big-fat-tears and snot. But that’s what I got. 😦
Given my post on Monday, it’s plain I have a lot to work through, not just in terms of getting back on track with healthier lifestyle, but in my overall outlook and mental stamina. Talking with Deepa served to calm me down, bring me out of my own head to look at the bigger picture.
Like I said a couple of weeks back, this isn’t the end. It’s a blip in the road, something that I clearly wasn’t prepared for. The idea now, is that I learn from the experience and formulate a plan to take the hold the next time I suffer a set back I can’t control, like my ankle.
As I trace it back, my mood and subsequent weight gain stems from my ankle injury. Realising I could no longer walk as I wanted, the temporary loss of independence and frustration at losing my ability to run (something I was—and am—very proud of), has put me in a place where I can’t see the good for the bad. Deepa has also helped me see that, despite feeling as though I don’t care, I clearly still do. Enough to continue logging my meals on my app, enough that I pay attention to the steps on my Vivo, enough that I haven’t totally descended into takeaways, chocolate for breakfast and cake every day. The very fact that I’m still posting to this blog is a positive I shouldn’t ignore.
I do still care.
And that is why this perceived failure is so hard.
So . . . my plan is to start again. Not to say I’ll start at my previous weight and work from the top, I mean I’ll use my current weight (118.5 kg by Deepa’s scales) and use that as my baseline. From there I’ll steadily work my steps back up to 10k per day. I’ll continue logging in my food diary and slowly bring my calorie intake back down to a weight-loss level. I’ll return to a form of exercise that I can do gently and slowly increase. I’ll make concentrated efforts to ensure eight hours sleep a night. I’ll talk to people. I’ll ask for help.
These are all things I’ve stopped doing and contributory to the sensation of helplessness, anger and disappointment. The fact remains that I can change all these things, so long as I do them one at a time.
For now then, it’s chin up, positive thoughts engaged and one day at a time. That’s really all I can do.