The Struggle Is Real

Late again. Not only that, but I missed check in 12 and I’ve not really been focused on anything to do with health.

I promised myself, when I started this blog, that if anybody at all started paying attention, I would be as true and real as possible. I’m sick to death of blogs and articles that are fizzing with kids-TV-show-style-pep, spouting all sorts of empty nonsense about how great everything is. Everything is shiny and happy and, to believe these articles and blogs, there is never a bad day, never a rough patch, never a moment or self doubt or panic.

Bullshit.

bored face
Credit: Steren

Yes, some days may be like that, others are most certainly not. I think, if I’m going to keep this blog public, I have a duty to people like me to show them that they aren’t the only ones having a rough time. They aren’t the only ones have difficulty ‘staying on the wagon.’

Because the struggle is real.

And I am struggling.

I’ve mentioned before that food is my go-to in times of stress, anger, joy (any heightened emotion). Today, I look back over the past two months month and realise that I’ve been more stressed, tired, angry, sad and, as well as that, suffering extended bouts of roaring apathy which, against everything else I just described, doesn’t make much sense.

The struggle is real.

I thought I had my eating habits under control and, the reality is, I’m far, far from it. When I have a handle on my emotions, when things are going well, it’s easy to make sensible decisions about food. Reach for the apple instead of the chocolate bar, walk past the display of reduced crisps and buy the skimmed milk that prompted the walk to Tesco. It’s easy to choose an early night over lying comatose in front of a shitty film because the thought of going to bed and listening to the maelstrom your own thoughts is too much. It’s even easy to get out of bed, knowing it’s still dark outside, but getting dressed anyway, cycling to the gym and sweating for an hour.

But the struggle is real.

I didn’t go to the gym last week. Not even swimming. It was half term, so I had the kids with me for huge chunks of the week but, determined to rest my ankle, we barely left the house. I’m sure that didn’t help my mood.

four grey boulders/rocks
Credit: rdevries

I’ve not hit the proverbial ‘rock bottom’ but I know I’m not far off. Any and all passion or energy I had for this drive to be healthier has died and I have no idea how to revive it. The thought of buying smaller clothes, isn’t helping. The idea that I may like what I see when I look in the mirror seems so distant a dream that I can’t use it—the thought is too abstract. Even thinking of how much easier it has been to run around with my children is doing nothing to push me on. I’m rolling a boulder up a super steep hill while wearing weighted roller skates.

The struggle is real.

My partner and I have talked briefly about compulsive behaviours. We’re both certain that this clawing need I have for certain foods is a behaviour that can be managed, and slowly changed. I’m sure it can. Right now, what I lack is the confidence that can do it, which immediately makes the change more of an impossibility.

The struggle is real.

I’ve tagged this post under ‘Mindset’ because that is a huge part of the struggle. A positive, can-do attitude is the starting block for any major life change. Without that, one is simply floundering against the tide of their own habits and insecurities.

Credit: Arvin61r58
Credit: Arvin61r58

I’ll be going back to the GP on Friday, I’ve just made an appointment. I clearly need more help and I attribute a lot of the success I had prior to this, to the help provided by the NHS. Despite my complaints, LEAP was a fantastic programme and my time with Deepa is incredibly helpful. My last meeting with her is this Wednesday, so I’m hoping to use that time to discuss The Struggle (yes, the problem is titular now) and how on earth I’m going to keep going.

Because I do know this: giving up still doesn’t feel like an option, and that, in of itself, gives me hope.

da shared brain signature

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