This blog started as a diary. A means for me to keep track of what I’ve done, how I’ve done it, how I feel and where I’ve ended up. It’s funny that something I didn’t expect would see much engagement if any!) is now doing better, on average, than my writing blog. I guess the subject matter really is what people are thinking of right now . . . far more than vampires and sex. o.O
Anyway, I’m aware that more of you are reading these posts, so I wanted to warn you that today is me going back into diary mode, and to tell you that I’m not looking for sympathy or pity or a ‘there, there’ or anything else along those lines. I just need to get this off my chest. I think that will help (or at least go some way towards) lifting the horrific mood I’m in.
Today sucked. Big time. Standing on those scales was the single lowest point of my day, perhaps the month to date, followed by an almost nursery-style break down of the food groups we should all be eating from and how they look on the NHS eat-well plate. I’ll say right off, if I hadn’t been at this for so long, if I hadn’t been reading and studying and asking questions and investigating all on my own, today’s session would have been fantastic. There was a lot of information in it and I can see that lots of other people in the group found it valuable. Me? I wanted to stab some
onething screaming over and over again ‘I know this! I know this back to front and sideways, tell me why it isn’t working?!’
So . . . not great.
Oh, and the scales thing? According to their data I’ve lost 0.15 kg, which isn’t even 1lb. So despite all the work at the gym, despite the better food, the lower calorie choices, the constant movement, the early nights, the complete lack of crisps and sweets for the past fortnight (!!!) I’ve failed to make any headway.
Okay, y’know what, that’s how this works. Some weeks nothing happens, other weeks it’s like someone cut off a limb. I know that. My rational mind wrapped itself around those truths a long time ago. But when I have to stand there and fend off verbal attacks from this dietician (I know they weren’t attacks, but apparently I’m a fragile person and that’s how it felt today), I lose the thread a bit. I told her (or tried to) that I’ve been logging everything I eat (meticulously) and working out three times a week. I’m transitioning slowly to the plan they gave me in a way that I can (hopefully) sustain while putting the details into myfitnesspro. That app is far better for me than logging anything on paper, just because of how I live my life: it’s handy, it’s quick and it’s visual.
But there are 18 of us in that group. And we only get an hour and a half before going up to work out with Jit. So all the questions I had, all the queries . . . there was no time to ask them. Nor will there be either, because there are just too many of us for one person to properly handle on their own.
So, I sat there, quietly fuming, getting angrier and more frustrated, wishing I’d stayed in bed for an extra half hour.
Even the workout didn’t keep my spirits up for long. Jit is still fantastic and I must admit, there was a good block of time where I felt like I was actually doing myself good. But rather like that day at the gym a week or so ago, I just wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to be there and I’d stopped caring. It just . . . sucked.
So now I’m at home, about to crawl into bed and put my head under the duvet, hoping that tomorrow (after LOTs of sleep) will be a brighter, lighter, more positive day.
A lot of significant life change is about attitude. Right now, I know I’m not doing myself any favours by staying up and brooding on what a terrible day I’ve had and how much of a failure I feel myself to be. Somewhere in the midst of all that angst, I’m actually a little proud that I’ve recognised the need to just sit down, have a break and decompress my brain. That’s something I used to be really bad at. I’m also very aware that tomorrow is another day. with fresh challenges, new goals and a clean slate.
I’m going to start tomorrow with a smile instead of a groan when I tip myself out of bed at 6 am. I don’t know how much difference that will make, but it has to be better than today.